“Men Dey!” Why It May Be the Most Expensive Thing a Single Woman Ever Shouts

A short video from a singles teaching at Harvesters International Christian Centre has been doing the rounds this week. A young lady told Pastor Bolaji Idowu about a man she once dated — a farmer who actually helped her set up the business she runs today. She left him. Her reason? He was “too calculating.” He wanted to know how she spent money. He asked questions. He kept account. She said she prefers a man who simply gives when she asks — no questions.

The hall answered her with one voice: “Men dey!”

Pastor Bolaji was making a fair point — that an older, comfortable man who funds a young woman with no intention of marrying her cannot be the yardstick for judging a young man who is still building and is careful with every naira. But there is a deeper truth underneath that moment, and it is this:

Think about it honestly. Why would a man hand over money again and again without ever asking what it is for?

Most of the time, it is because he has already decided what you are to him.

And what you are to him is not a wife.

Let that sink in. What you are to him was settled long before the first transfer hit your account. To him, you are a pleasure, not a partner. A season, not a future. Someone to enjoy, not someone to build with. You are temporary in his plans — and temporary things do not get assessed, corrected or developed.

So why would he waste energy evaluating your habits, correcting your priorities or advising you on your business? Whatever you become is not his problem.

Even if you were a ticking time bomb — careless with money, directionless, undisciplined — he does not care. He will not be in the house when it goes off. Another man will marry you and inherit the consequences. So he gives, he enjoys, and he moves on.

Think of it this way: someone tells you, “I can drive.” If you are going to sit in that car, those words alone will not satisfy you. You want to know whether the person can actually drive, because their lack of competence could cost you your life. You are not asking questions to insult them. You are asking because you will share the consequences.

That is the difference between funding a moment and building a future. The man planning to share a home, raise children and build a life with you has a stake in your judgment, your discipline and your capacity. How you handle money will affect him. The decisions you make will affect the home you build together. His concern does not automatically make him stingy. He understands that he, too, will be in that car.

That silence is not generosity. It is indifference. A man does not invest correction in something he does not plan to keep.

Every man with real intentions is carrying a vision. He knows where he is, he knows where he wants to be, and he knows he cannot get there alone. So when he looks at a woman with marriage in mind, he is not only asking, “Is she beautiful?” He is quietly asking, “Can we build together? Does she have the capacity for where I am going?”

That is why he asks how you run your business. Why he wants to know what you spend on and why. Why he notices how you use your time and what you prioritise. Why he corrects you, guides you, and sometimes shows you a better way. He may not have said the word “marriage” yet — but his questions are his assessment, and his guidance is his investment.

The farmer in that story did not just ask questions. He helped build a business. That is not the behaviour of a stingy man. It is the behaviour of a man building something that will outlive the moment.

When God looked at Adam in Genesis 2:18, He did not say, “I will find him a wife.” He said, “I will make him an help meet for him” — a helper. The Hebrew word, ezer, is the same word Scripture uses for God Himself coming to the aid of His people. Before Eve was a bride, she was a partner of strength, someone with the capacity to stand with Adam in his assignment.

And when Adam first saw her, his words were an assessment of worth: “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). In plain terms — what is in me is in her. This one I can talk to, reason with, and build with. The first marriage began with recognition of capacity, not a transfer of money.

Proverbs 31 follows the same order. Before Scripture says “the heart of her husband doth safely trust in her,” it first establishes her worth: “her price is far above rubies.” Worth comes before trust. The husband who later gives freely, without questions, is a man who has already watched, tested and confirmed that this woman can handle great things. The trust at the end was earned at the beginning.

Jesus put the principle simply in Luke 16:10: whoever is faithful in little will be faithful in much. The man asking how you handled ₦50,000 may be the man preparing to trust you with his home, his children and his name.

To be fair, not every man who asks questions is a builder. Some men ask in order to dominate. Learn the difference. The builder asks so you can grow together; he is accountable himself, open about his own plans and struggles, and he respects your dignity and your work. The controller demands accountability but gives none; he humiliates, isolates or keeps you afraid. The first man makes you stronger. The second makes you smaller. Do not run from the first, and do not marry the second.

Yes, men dey. But look closely at which men. The ones who give without asking are, more often than not, the ones who have already filed you under “not marriageable” — someone to play with, not someone to build with.

So to every single woman: do not be offended by the man who is concerned about your growth. Do not label him stingy because he is careful. Do not trade the man asking about your future for the man paying only for your present. Instead, prove your capacity — be the woman whose worth is far above rubies, not because of how much is spent on you, but because of how much can be built with you.

And to the men: if you are serious about a woman, assess her — but lead by example. Be as accountable as you expect her to be. Guide with love, not with pride. Let her see that your questions are about building a home, not holding power.

Because in the end, the man who truly wants to marry you will want to know who you are first. The one who doesn’t care to know has already told you everything you need to know.

Scripture quotations from the King James Version.